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Every Kong, rank

It's time to decide which of Nintendo's Simian superstars is really top banana.

With Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze coming to Switch next week, it seems to be a great time to rate any Kong ever adorned a TV screen or handset. Ok, not really every Kong. There were a few credentials for monkeys and monkeys hoping to get it on the official list, and they are as follows:

  • You must have "Kong" in their name
  • You must be of a game with them " Donkey Kong "in Title

This negates characters like a Rabbid Kong from Mario + Rabbids and the Chained Kongs from Super Mario RPG as well as one of the stand-alone madmen of this godless Donkey Kong Country Animation Series

Let's get rolling.

5th The Manky Kongs

You may not know the Manky Kongs by name, but these orangutans were portrayed in the very first Donkey Kong Country as disgruntled low-level enemies. According to Nintendo's official literature, this rough bunch of the Kong family was excommunicated for unknown reasons. They probably played a role in the theoretical Greater Monkey War, which is quite another branch of madness.

14. Kiddy Kong

After the great success of Diddy's Kong Quest for the SNES, Rare decided to continue exchanging Kong's to keep things fresh. Unfortunately, they have decided to introduce Kiddy Kong for their third SNES outing, which is basically a big stupid toddler. Diddy was fast, Dixie could slide, and Kiddy could … roll on water? A surprising ability, considering it is one of the heaviest kongs in history. Kiddy's childish behavior and lack of personality led to a collective shrug of fans around the world. In Japan, Kiddy is known as Dinky Kong, who, despite his size, seems a lot more suitable.

13. Candy Kong

Candy Kong was presented to the players as DK's sparse love interest in the original Donkey Kong Country . She is surely the largest and most humane of the extended Kong family. As children, many of us could not stop looking at them, and as adults, we feel a little uncomfortable and some other emotions that are strange and confusing. Let's just move on

12. Donkey Kong Jr.

Although he stormed the arcade scene with his own play in 1982, Donkey Kong Jr. has not been a playable character for Nintendo 64 since the launch of Mario Tennis . It has rarely been discussed to add him to the original Donkey Kong Country as DK's sidekick, but he was scrapped in favor of the more agile Diddy Kong. Good move, rarely. The likelihood is that people would not have come to Jr's stinking Unitard and his round appearance. He's also the only Kong who ever tried to teach us math, and that's just unacceptable.

11. Chunky Kong

When DK made the leap to 3D with Donkey Kong 64 in 1999, he brought some new primate friends along for the journey. Most of these new additions were great, and some were very slow and embarrassing, calling Chunky Kong. In the official pedigree of Kong, Chunky Kiddy's older brother and it's not hard to see the similarity. At least Chunky has some decently interesting special moves like really hard stinging, gets bigger and becomes invisible. The last one makes absolutely no sense, but it adds a mysterious layer to his frat boy's appearance.

10th Dread Kong, Karate Kong, Ninja Kong and Sumo Kong

You've probably never heard of these big boys, and with good reason. All four are stationed as bosses in the oft-overlooked GameCube Classic Donkey Kong Jungle Beat . You play it with the Donkey Konga Bongo controller and it is absolutely amazing. Dread, Karate, Ninja and Sumo all rule their respective kingdoms and represent the only member of the current Kong family who have gone to the dark side. They're all pretty tough, and it's always a pleasure to beat their faces with the hectic drumming of a bongo.

. 9 Tiny Kong

Tiny Kong was the only playable female character introduced in Donkey Kong 64 . Like her older sister Dixie, she is known for her small stature and hair-raising hovering abilities. What most people do not know is that Tiny grew up after her Nintendo 64 debut, and I'm not referring to some weird fan-art. She actually replaced Banjo (19459006) Banjo-Kazooie fame in the 2007 Diddy Kong Racing remake for the Nintendo DS, which appeared in her gangly-teenage form. Their spin-off momentum did not stop when it was later unveiled in Donkey Kong Barrel Blast and Mario Super Sluggers for the Wii. What have you done with your life since 1999?

. 8 Cranky Kong

Cranky is probably the OG Donkey Kong from the arcade fame days and is the perfect embodiment of his contentious nickname. Cranky was there to give advice, mock his relatives, and break the fourth wall in almost every Donkey Kong adventure since 1994. His years of experience gave him the necessary means to produce in Donkey spectacular special trains for the Kong Kong 64 and he finally came for the journey in Tropical Freeze . He's a vile jerk, but he's a jerk, too, and we would not have it any other way.

. 7 Wrinkly Kong

When another Kong falls off a cliff or runs headfirst into a reptilian enemy, he can always demand extra lives to survive. Unfortunately, this was not the case with Wrinkly Kong, who was officially killed between Donkey Kong Country 3 and Donkey Kong 64 . Prior to this tragic event, Wrinkly was headmistress of Kong's colleague, wore super-hip jogging gear, and even got her gloves on most of these players on one of those new-fangled Nintendo 64 systems. She was a radical old girl. Even in death, she could not be stopped from helping the Kongs with clues and teasing her widowed husband Cranky. RIP Wrinkly. We love you, you ghostly old monkey.

. 6 Swanky Kong

Swanky is the richest of the kongs and usually just does what he wants. Usually there is a kind of game show and lots of dolls are displayed. Dude has a stick, a fist full of eye-catching rings, and a few gold teeth. It's a crime that we have not seen him in a Donkey Kong adventure for over 20 years. Look at this stylish outfit. What a Mac dad.

. 5 Lanky Kong

Lanky Kong is such a terrible character that he is somehow great. He is like the Waluigi of the donkey Kong myth. His movements are hilarious and his extremely long arms are unforgettable. The guy can overcome steep surfaces on his hands, for heaven's sake. As DK Rap says, "He has no style, he has no mercy, this Kong has a funny face." All of these assessments are correct. We laugh at Lanky Kong's badly repaired jumpsuits, his shouts of joy and his clown's nose, but deep in our hearts we're not all outmoded, stupid orangutans? Lanky Kong makes us all feel a little better about the crazy weirdo we are. Think about it.

4. Donkey Kong

He is the leader of the group. You know him well. I will not type in the rest of this verse, but you get the idea. Donkey Kong is the classic Nintendo villain who became a hero. He (or was it Cranky?) Started as a gang-beating kidnapper, but has now grown into a powerful hero of his own jungle delusions. Whether he shakes some Kremlin villains with a slap that beats connections with former rival Mario or takes other riders off the streets, DK has become a strong and permanent fixture in the game world. He does not have as much personality as some of the other kongs, but he does not really need that. Donkey Kong started everything. He is the one who set the standard. The one who decided that monkeys need no clothes, but somehow got a monogram tie in their hands. May he swing forever through our hearts.

3. Funky Kong

Funky Kong is like this cool uncle who was never married and lives near the beach. While he's basically just Donkey Kong with a lot of terrible 90's style and a surfboard, there's only something about him that makes you want to make the next gorilla high five. Funky's bodacious dudebro attitude and ever-expanding business ventures make him a hip and helpful Kong in almost every DK game to date. The Donkey Kong series is known for their critically acclaimed soundtracks, and Funky's appearances are associated with some of the best themes and best tunes in the franchise's long history. Best of all, we can finally prove his aggrosurfing skills in Tropical Freeze 's "New Funky Mode"

2. Diddy Kong

As mentioned above, Diddy Kong was officially selected as DK's Sidekick when Rare realized that Donkey Kong Jr. would not get the job. Thank God. Diddy's movement and playful demeanor made him the first choice for gamblers during the first Donkey Kong Country escapades, which set out with faster enemies and insidious, treacherous terrains. Somehow, Rare managed to make Diddy even more extreme by adding his own jetpack, pistols and guitar in Donkey Kong 64 . There is a reason why he is the only Kong outside of DK making it on the Super Smash Bros.. Roster. Diddy is dynamite

1. Dixie Kong

When Donkey Kong Country 2 first appeared in 1995 Dixie was introduced to the players as Diddy Kong's girlfriend and younger sister of the buoyant Candy Kong. She holds the prestigious honor of being the first playable primate in any Donkey Kong title. While Diddy gave us speed and accuracy, Dixie gave us the reassuring power of precision gliding. With her characteristic helicopter hairstyle that could easily breathe any player in a mighty jump or dangerous fall. Not to mention whipping her baddies and lifting heavy objects with her lush blond curls. Nearly two decades after kicking Baron K. Roolenstein's bun in the Northern Hemisphere, Dixie made her triumphant return as a playable character in Tropical Freeze for Wii U. She just missed out on her longtime chimpanzee friend female power in the Kong universe.

This ends the scientifically most accurate virtual primate ranking of humanity. Which Kong, do you think, deserves to be Number One? Scream in the comments below and feel free to beat your chest a few times.

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