"Your honor, may the Tribunal please, I would like to state my evidence."
"In May 2018, I, Ben Dreyfuss, act with good reason and judgment. My official property as Mother Jones Senior Director of Growth and Strategy, attended a screening of the Marvel film Avengers: Infinity War . I did not enjoy this movie. Your honor, I hated it. I hated it in the theater. I hated it when I wrote a review about it. I hated it months later when it was released on VOD and tried to see it again. I hated it so much that every time I thought about it, I wanted to plunge my head into a brick wall until blood spilled out of my head, eyes and nose. "
" Objection! What does that have to do with anything, Your Honor? «
» I would ask the indulgence of the court, sir. Only a small margin. I have been awake all night. "
" A very small margin. "
" Almost a year later, two weeks ago, I was given the powers and asked to review the latest Avengers movie. Endgame . I was reluctant to say the least. It's three hours, I said. But it did not matter. I was told that the readers demanded it. The magazine needed it. I had to do that for my magazine.
"I asked for a ticket for the press screening and was rejected. I would have to see it when it came out. This whole thing became a real sandwich. Tuesday arrives and the embargo breaks and a good many movie critics publish love letters for this film. But they also loved the last one! Why? Because they are cowardly. "
" Objection! "
" Sustained "
" Phrase: Anyone who was in the hills of the movie internet or in the valley of the movie Twitter knows that there are many moving bands of extreme fans who stand up like snakes when someone says something bad about their precious films. The next thing you know, your inbox, your mentions, your mind is full of hate. So many people walk around eggshells around these Lunati … passionate people.
"So these critics in LA and NY leave their ivory towers and bring their Ubers to their fancy screenings where they're air-conditioned and they get popcorn free, they slurp their lats and come out after the movie and fill out a few TKs and publish glowing reviews. You already wrote them, your honor! They had already decided!
"These people do not have the moral courage to watch the movie with the normal people of this country – Salzburger, who have to pay their own ticket and their own popcorn and their own UberPool opening day. "
" OBJECTION! Lawyer wastes the time of the court! This is a circus! "
" I DO!
"I did it last night. I saw it last night. I have seen it with normal people!
(Keuch in the gallery, the opposing lawyer slowly settles back in his seat.)
"Well, with permission of the court, I want to give my testimony and testify, what I saw last night. "
" Continue. "
" This movie, this movie, the Avengers of 1945: Endgame by Marvel, it's FUCKING AMAZING, BRO!
(Chaos erupts, court observers faint, the judge hits his gavel.)
Order in court! More outbreaks like these and the bailiff will clear this room! Carry on, Mr. Dreyfuss. "
" Well, you see, the last thing was that it was bad. It was boring. It was lame. They broke up all our favorite people into small groups and sent them into countless different storylines, and we never spent enough time with one of them to really care. It was not fun either. It was depressing from the beginning. It was a mud.
"When the last one ended, half the universe had died, but it was impossible to care, as they would obviously all come back later.
"Endgame plays a funny little game with you in the first 10 minutes, and Twistaroo sets the tone. It is a different movie. It's a funny movie! It's a self-confident movie! It's the finale of a 22-movie extravaganza, but it's not a dark grudge. It is a crazy thing!
"I do not want to say much about the plot because it's too easy to ruin, but it avoids so many mistakes of the Infinity War . Yes, the team is broken, but since half of them are dead, the team is smaller and we have more time with the different cells. Captain America and Iron Man are the heroes here and we can spend enough time with them to really get in touch with their travels. The rest of the survivors are also nearby, but time is not monopolized.
"And it pumps you for the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Brie Larson's Captain Marvel appears sporadically in the film and is used in a sometimes frustrating manner, but her performance is so successful and her character is so intriguing that it's not impossible to pass over one of Avengers: New Class Leadership to cheer from her.
"Brass Tacks: This is the best superhero movie I have ever seen.
"In my review of Infinity War I wrote the following about the filmmakers:
Heavy Work! Hard to ask! They had an impossible mission. But on impossible missions, people sometimes do it. That's what it's all about Apollo 13 Zero Dark 3o and Mission Impossible . Warner Brothers had something similar to what Marvel was trying to do here with the latest Harry Potter movies. It is very disappointing that this did not work or did not work at all.
"I stand by – and I think the comparison to Harry Potter is still true. The only other franchisees who truly fulfill their hopes and dreams are the two Deathly Hallows .
"Infinity War was awful, but if it was the cost of setting up Endgame then it was worth it."
"Objection, your honor, this is a criminal case! What does that mean if Mr. Dreyfuss is caught red-handed with 65 Walleyes, as the state of Michigan allows?"
"Absolutely nothing, Mr. Dreyfuss, I sentence you to 60 days in prison … "
(Dreyfuss's fiancee pants behind the defense table.)
" … suspended ] "Yes!"  (The gallery breaks into applause, Dreyfuss jumps up and turns in the air.)
"I told you I could do it! I told you I could win!"
"I knew you could win!"
(He kisses her, it's Marisa Tomei.)
"Let's do it!"  "What?"
(addresses the judge)
"Judge, will you marry us?"  [The judge grins]
Avengers: Endgame is now being opened nationwide in the theaters.