A big news day in the Russia investigation meant a big night for Stephen Colbert on Thursday.
"Robert Müller is approaching his loot ever closer," said the moderator Late Show excited. "It's a real cat game and a big, slow-moving man."
"This morning, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lied to Congress. That's a serious crime, "Colbert continued. "He could end up in jail … or the Supreme Court."
"Here's the lie that Cohen told," he added, explaining that Trump's former fixer told Congress that the project "Moscow Trump Tower" ended in January 201
In a reply, President Trump told reporters Thursday that Cohen" lied "about the schedule. "And it's terrible because I'm not paying him for the lie this time," said Colbert, imitating Trump. "It's a plus. Previously, I paid him to say that I never boned all these professionals.
Colbert then predicted which of his former confidants – Michael Cohen or Paul Manafort – would more likely receive a pardon from the President, based on some "subtle" hints from Trump. While President Cohen repeatedly described as "weak" because he had negotiated with prosecutors, he complained that "bad" Manafort was treated after he had caught Robert Müller lying.
"We have a winner!" Announced Colbert. "Paul Manafort, you and your ostrich skin coat will enjoy a paid travel to Washington, D.C., for a luxurious forgiveness ceremony. Then set sail for the Collusion Cruise Lines, where you are smeared with sheep's blood in the middle of the night and dropped into shark-infested waters to silence you forever. All of this can be yours if you only: Stop! Your! Cases!
After playing more of Trump's intricate, sweeping apologies, the host said, "There you have it. Simple explanation without panic. Everything is explained in his bestselling book, "The Art of the Deal That Did not Happen. It was not a deal. We had a position to possibly make a deal, and everyone knew about it. I decided not to do it. Nothing wrong would have happened if I had done it. At a certain point in time, Trump stopped the spontaneous press conference by telling a reporter he could not hear her question when he was rushing his helicopter. "Oh, that's a helicopter?" Asked Colbert. "I thought that was the sound of your presidency going to the bathroom."