LOVE AMY: When my daughter was 3 years old, I divorced her father – also because of his strong temperament.
Now at age 13, She too is afraid of her father's temper, especially when he drinks alcohol.
She just told me that she asked a friend's parents several times to pick her up, and she slept with them for fear of her father.
Obviously drinking while having a drink with his girlfriend on the phone makes her scared.
I have instructed her to contact me immediately to remove her from the situation. She fears that contacting me will only exacerbate the situation and drive his anger towards her.
Her therapist recommended Alateen and expressed concern to her father when he's sober, but she's petrified to have any kind of talk about his temperament or his alcohol intake.
Without stopping the visit (which she still desires despite everything), I do not know what to do next.
LOVE CARE: Her daughter is to be praised. She has found a clever strategy to get out of the household when she's afraid – to cover her escape with a sleepover. Smart girl!
You should contact your friend's parents to thank them and get some insight into these rescue missions.
Yes, your daughter should contact you, but if she's too scared to do so while she's in the house she should do it after she's gone.
Look at the language you used to describe your daughter's feelings about her father: "Fear, petrified." I'm worried about a therapist who would place her in charge of the challenge, the challenge on the shoulders of her To steer the child.
Of course your daughter wants to see her father. But she wants to see him sober and in a safe and stable household. I do not think she should bear the burden of talking to her father about how terrible he is.
Yes, your daughter should attend alateen meetings (Al-anon.org). Contact with other teenagers who love alcoholic parents would be extremely helpful. And you should talk to her about the possibility of going back to court to rethink the visit agreement. Judicial sobriety (if possible) during his visit could be a wake up call for him.
Dear Amy: My mother is in her 70s, and my older brother and I are in our 50s. She can no longer drive and has given driver's license and vehicle. She gave the car to my brother and paid for the necessary repairs.
My brother and I are in a similar comfortable financial situation. He could definitely use the vehicle more than me. I think that was the right decision.
My mother always treated us the same way. She was not always generous, but she was always fair between us.
Am I mistaken to feel hurt that I was offered no financial gesture? Money is not an issue for them.
I am an adult and I know that life is not always fair, but I have to admit that I feel hurt. I'm also more involved in helping my mother. Am I selfish?
Second Place Child
LOVE SECOND: They are not a second place child and therefore stop acting like one. They are grown up and do not need your mother's discarded car. You do not need your money either.
I understand well the lifelong dynamics that exist between siblings, but if you make a conscious decision to rise above your childlike reaction, you will feel good. You will feel great. You will feel like an adult.
Life is not fair. But life has a way to offset the smaller inequalities and bumps. You get your reward, but maybe not in the same moment as your brother.
DEAR AMY: "Struggling" wondered if she should attend a family wedding, knowing that her racist cousin would be there.
I could not believe you told her to "show up and shut up". Nobody should spend time with a bully.
LOVED DEFENSE: "Emerging and keeping your mouth shut" was the phrase "Struggling". And yes, I believe that at a wedding, all parties should turn up and shut up.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO to respond to family bullying at Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter Follow @askingamy or Facebook.