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My wife's Facebook behavior is disrespectful to me



LOVE AMY: Is it appropriate for my wife to look up ex-friends on Facebook? And am I wrong to ask her to stop?

Columnist Amy Dickinson

When I asked her to stop, she said, "I will not stop. I would not cheat.

I disrespect her for doing so. I also think that her answer is disrespectful.

Am I too morally rigid? Am I just jealous? Or do I have to find someone who is on the same page as me?

Social Media Issues

LOVE TROUBLESHOOTING: Facebook seems to be tailored to look for exes. Do not all of them?

The context is important. Does your wife do something good that lurks and rejoices? Or does she connect and communicate with her exes? There is a big difference.

I agree, "I will not stop. I would not cheat "is not a good answer. Your decision to cheat is pretty flammable. But on the other hand, it's also your reaction to find another partner.

Both of you are obviously at a dead end. I suspect that this Social Media Dustup is more of a symptom than a cause. I hope you can do it.

LOVE AMY: My family is trying to be close, but when it comes to me (the youngest) and my eldest sister (eight years older), we simply do not click.

Although we were born from the same people and grew up in the same household, we have very different views, opinions and beliefs on almost everything.

I can not remember having a good relationship as a child. she always yelled at me or was mad at me.

I was always closer to our brother (middle child), who played with me and let me come with him and his friends.

My sister never seemed interested in being around, although we got on well.

As an adult, this feels unchanged and tense; she made it clear that she does not approve of my career, my education and my spiritual belief, and she was openly skeptical of my marriage (until the ceremony) because my husband is older than me.

She always talks to me, and once said out loud that she can not respect me as an adult. That hurt more than she would ever know.

She seems to think that I do not want to be her sister, although in reality I do not want to be with someone who lets me run on eggshells. My parents want us to get along, but I can not force myself to pretend.

I will be polite, but I do not think we can be regular friends.

Is that terrible for me? Should I keep trying? I just do not understand the point.

Youngest of three

LOVE TEENS: One of the most challenging aspects of sibling relations is the struggle to cope with a minor -ideal dynamic. We all think that siblings should be best friends, but that often does not work.

The fact is that you and your sister did NOT grow up in the same household with the same parents. When you came along, your parents were eight years older and had two more children. There is a high probability that your parents raised you differently than your older children.

It's also likely that your older sister actually helped educate you. She just did not get the memo that it's time to stop.

I interpret some of the behaviors you describe as a stereotypical "oldest child". She can not respect you as an adult because you will always be the baby of the family in her mind. The verdict on you is the responsibility of the elders.

An insight into the dynamics of birth order will NOT help you get along with your sister better – but it can help you to see some of their behaviors in a new way. This insight should help you deal with it.

Read: "The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are" by Kevin Leman (2015, Revell). Dr. Lemans book is a good first look at the fascinating topic of the birth order.

LOVE AMY: "Struggling" said she did not want to attend a wedding with her right relatives.

Why do you always insist that politically conservative people are "gross"? I am so tired of this consistent trend in your column.

Tired

boorish "and answered questions about this topic in my column.

In this case, I described the behavior as "boorish," as "Struggling" described that relative as an "offensive bully."


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