“Hello everyone, I’m Principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene By The Expressway class 2020 virtual graduation ceremony,” said Kate McKinnon at an entire class zoom conference playing students. “I know you didn’t expect your high school career to end, but we all make sacrifices. I had to share my child’s adderall with him.”
McKinnon’s headmistress told the class she was trying to find the preferred class speakers for former President Barack Obama and former First Lady Michelle Obama, but they said no, as did the next five decisions.
“So I went over to your eighth election and got a vote, President Donald Trump,”
Baldwin’s Trump, wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat, appeared when he called from home.
“Congratulations to the class at Covid-19,” he said.
Baldwin’s faux president told the class that he was honored to be their “valedictator”.
“But today it’s not about me, it’s about you,” he said. “Although I should spend some time with myself first because I was treated very badly, worse than they treated Lincoln.”
One of the students, played by Chris Redd, indicated that Lincoln was murdered.
“Lincoln would agree,” said Baldwin Trump. “He’s probably smiling at me from hell right now.”
Baldwin’s Trump said the class is very lucky to be graduating as there are many exciting new jobs such as “grocery bouncer”, “porch pirate” and “amateur nurse”.
“I’ll make sure the colleges are open in the fall,” he said to the seniors. “Online college is a scam and I should know it. My online college was ranked # 1 craziest scam by US News every year when it was open.”
Finally, Baldwin’s Trump gave the class a few words of wisdom.
“Surround yourself with the worst people you can find so that you always shine,” he said. “If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid … and live every day as if it were your last because we’re going to let this virus run wild.”
He also told the class his favorite inspirational quote.
“Reach for the stars because if you’re a star, let them do it,” said Baldwin Trump.
Baldwin then broke character.
“Recorded from home one last time, it’s Saturday night,” he said, opening the show.