Sometimes not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network transfer. That's why we bring you the uncensored commentary on the game Florida vs. Saturday. Miami from Down South:
"Welcome to the first game of the 2019 college football season! Tonight we have Gators vs. Canes battling for the prestigious Florida Man Trophy, which is just a $ 10 Publix gift card.
"The biggest stars of the state are here: Tim Tebow, Michael Irvin, Steve Spurrier, … Urban Meyer for some reason. Let's start this game! "
1st quarter 15:00
" Miami gets the ball first and we see freshman Jarren Williams. He lets Dan Enos' offenses go to perfection, reminding the world of college football of what Alabama looked like before they played Clemson last year. Florida gets a stop in the red zone and everyone who bets on Bubba Baxa and scores the first points of the year gets a lot of money.
"Miami leads 3: 0."
Now we see Feleipe Franks. Can he live up to the hype he set at the end of last season? Does not look like he stays in 3rd place for a quick 3-and-out. Now the Gators have to punt and … wait … Was that the lightning? … Usain Bolt?
"No, it's the Florida hunter Tommy Townsend who zips around the edge of the fake boat on the first slide down, while a player later kicks Taddies straight through a 66-meter fast trump for a touchdown and tries his best, Tommy Townsend by leaving the entire Canes defense behind.
"Florida simply leads with 7: 3."
"After Miami made a few games of its very ineffective" Don & # 39; t block Meanwhile, the Gates are making the defense of the canes as painful as possible with two 4-down conversions deep in the Miami area.
"The one and only thing The Gators offensive could be stopped if Franks could just drop the ball on the floor Oh, well, he listened Fumble Miami Ball Turnover Chain Time
"We would say the Turnover Chain would have skipped the shark, but the entire Miami-P rogram skipped the shark about a decade ago, so it does not really matter. "
2. Quarter 15: 00
"The Miami offense feeds on the newly discovered momentum by showing a clinic how to make a false start within your own 5 yard line. Very impressive stuff.
"But Florida is apparently not a big fan of football at the moment. They fiddle around on a simple pitch and we get the second coming of the sales chain. This time, Miami is experimenting off-line with what it would be like to block some, and what do you know? They get some first defeats and a field goal.
"Miami closes within 7-6."
"Good news, Florida is not fiddling with the ball." They sting on the 4th down. It's amazing how well Dan Mullen can develop a crime.
"Miami brings the ball back and pushes slowly and unhappily on the dirt road. It is not pretty, but at this point the crowd has enough to drink, which is "pretty" very subjective. The ride ends with a tilted pass caught for a landing and that's how the canoes run.
"Dan Mullen tries to use the few seconds left to push for a goal, but the half ends when Franks takes a sack without him a time-out remains. In the one half Feleipe went from the veteran QB, who was ready for a breakout year, to silence his own fans again.
"That brings us at halftime." Franks can shake off the bad mood of the first half. After quick punches of both teams the Gators return to their best performances and go back to the 4th place. It works out. Someone just whispered in Mullen's ear: "Every second game it's the fourth mistake." This offense is impossible to stop.
Thoughts and prayers to all who have taken the lead.
"Miami is being dragged down by a really dreadful block in the back call, but that does not seem to help much, as it only has a few Games later punt. Both offenses are slowly getting worse and harder to understand. It's like watching Lee Corso on GameDay.
"The Gators have finally found a way to win a few yards. Just go 3-and-out and let the Miami returnee stuff the barge inside the 10-yard line. It works perfectly, Franks meets Perine in the end zone and the Gators take the lead.
"Call the Gators Defense Mother Theresa because they are all about charity tonight. They give the Canes a few penalties and then let DeeJay Dallas bounce off them like Flipper on the way to a 50-yard touchdown. Canes returns to the top.
"By the way, DeeJay Dallas is the back burner for Miami and not a character of Magic Mike. It is easy to confuse.
. 4 Quarter 9:48
"Franks crashes a wide-open Florida receiver and Miami has the choice, and then it gets weird Miami tries to fake a field goal that is recalled to hold first, but then Florida is delayed for another one Hit and it's 1st-and-goal, Miami.
"After all this, Miami has to kick a chip shot field goal, but Bubba Baxa misses." Miami has a trinket for it? "
"If there was anyone left on the fence who to look for in this game, Franks makes it easy to search for the canes by screaming nonsense at the camera, really the JR Smith from College Football.  "Florida is again in the lead 24-20." In the world as Grantham send the house. He does it and the Gators get the bag. With just a few minutes left on the clock, this game is almost over, unless Florida does something really stupid …
"And Frank throws the world's easiest interception on 1st Down and Miami has new life. And the college football community gets an iconic Spurrier reaction to boot.
"After a fun replay of the sacks, the canes face the game on a 4th-and-37 with the game on the line. The game is almost over, unless Florida does something completely stupid. And they do it!
"Pass interference gives Miami a new lease of life, until another third and long, when the Gators, as you guessed it, give up another stupid punishment!
"This game is about as drunk as a typical Miami fan.
"Fortunately, this game ends when Miami makes the 4th downer. The Gators win and we can all pretend that's never happened. It's called Week 0 for a reason.
"Your final from O-Town: Florida 24, Miami 20."